Not Like You

From time to time, I do something that seems out of character for me. Now, I do many silly, impetuous, and regrettable things. Those may not necessarily be out of character. Those things may just be me being “me”.

I am talking about those things that don’t reflect who I really am. Who am I? At one point, I asked my friends to describe me in a way that would least make me sound like a puppy. They said I tend to give the unexpected and I like to make sure those around me are happy. I am witty in a "Bones" meets "Stephen Colbert" kind of way, and take no "guff" (in a good way). In addition, I like quotation marks, apostrophes, and the words superfluous and ridiculous. I carry a dictionary in my trunk for spelling and grammar emergencies. I’ve used it too! I can go on describing myself, but I am not sure that will help define who I am or what my character is like.

There are moments I am not proud of whom I am or who I am becoming. In a moment like that, I was inspired to write the following in the superfluous pages of my Bible: “I’m glad He’s not like me, but sometimes not so glad that I am not like Him”.

How does it happen that we want to follow, that we strive to be a better person and then BAM! I am confronted with this regularly during interactions with Not My Fault. I am sure you have your own “Not My Fault” in your life. This is the person who is a victim of every circumstance and anything that happens, well, is never their fault. As is the case in the Not My Fault in my life, not only are things not his fault, but regularly “my fault”. Not My Fault tries my every nerve to the point of unrighteous anger. Still, during these moments a part of me knows I cannot let this person’s idiocy control me.  I seldom succeed. In those moments, I am SOOO not like Him and not like me.

Sometimes we may even play “being like Him”. I am not much for pretending. I am not very good at it so I avoid it. Sometimes though exercising our minds to walk in His steps and imagine what He would do is helpful. I was reminded of this by The Babysitter. The Babysitter participates in a Passover/Easter pageant frequently where he plays “Jesus”. I know The Babysitter and I know what he is like. I have no issue with him taking on this role since his heart lives to serve Him.

The Babysitter reminded me of something that happened many years ago. He remembered when the pageant was over and he went to pick up Muscles and Cinci from school. He had already cut his hair and shaved. Then Cinci looked at him and started crying because The Babysitter didn't look like Jesus anymore. Cinci was about five years old at the time.

Isn’t that the reaction of those that love us when we are not “ourselves”, like the person they love and care about? Sadly, I am sure He also weeps when are actions reflect we are not like Him.

I want to be that person. I want to be that person that gives the unexpected and looks to make others happy. I don’t always get it 100% but I am committed to Him enough to try!

Bats, pecan swirls, and laundry rooms.

On February 18, 2011, I posted the following on my Facebook wall: “…I've learned to go into this thinking it's less like butterflies, unicorns, and rainbows and more like alligators, thunderclouds, and bats..."

“This, at the time, was representative of everything in my life, at least that’s how I felt then. Cinci was finally recovering from surgery though slowly, I just turned 36 years old and was feeling like it, my “love/dating” life was, well, in need of resurrection, and I began to question God’s plans for my life in a way that was unknown to me.

There are things I know about God. I know them logically; I know them emotionally. He is who He says He is. I am who He says I am. He will do what He says He will do. Sometimes, however, I see His “not now” as “not ever”. Other times I see Him sitting in a chair in the corner of the laundry room laughing at me. He is not mocking me, but He laughs at my unbelief and doubt. He also laughs because I need to lighten up! Sometimes He just wants to have fun with me and make ME laugh with Him and at myself. I much prefer when I picture Him ballroom dancing with me. He looks great in a tux. I am about six years old, my long hair in flowing spiral curls, on His feet while He leads. Those are great times.

I had been in a vile mood since February 6, 2011. I am not sure vile is descriptive enough. It was more like wicked, dreadful, atrocious, awful, and maybe even frightful. This was not a good time to “cross” me. My birthday weekend was more sad than fun. The highlight of that weekend was when my ex-husband’s wife emailed me wanting me to confirm that he and I were not “making a fool of her” and had nothing going on. Okay. If a divorce, over two thousand miles of distance, a country border, and dozens of state borders are not enough to make that clear, she may have other issues. My poor friends BamaGirl and SouthernCharm sure put up with a lot during that time.

Still, as my perennially optimistic self, I tried to continue on, as Maureen would say. I was scheduled to sing at the church talent show on Saturday, February 19^th. I was going to sing “On a Bad Day” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZEkZSZGEA0) originally by Kasey Chambers. My Little Chicken made the track for me.  BamaGirl had a birthday cookout scheduled in my honor Sunday, February 20^th. Thunderclouds took over and I got the fluL. I missed my own birthday cookout. Awkwardly enough, BamaGirl and the other invited guests had the cookout without me and called me to sing me Happy Birthday.

SouthernCharm and I had plans to go to a MeetUp event on Monday, February 21^st. I was in no mood but had agreed to keep our plans. I needed to keep our plans or become violent and obscene. I am not sure how to do the latter so off we went to the Mexican restaurant. All the while, I have “other” things on my mind (back-story may be revealed at a different, more appropriate time). We go in and sit down. I begin to ramble. I ramble frequently, but I don’t typically ramble sarcastically among strangers. This Monday, I didn’t care. I rambled in every way, and every tone.

Very unexpectedly, “he” walks in. In my mind, I paused but only for a second. I was in no mood. Sure, he was tall, good-looking, and very well dressed. Who cares! I am in a vile mood! Additionally, I hated men that night along with many others. He asked if he could sit down. I grunted and motioned to signal my indifference. Jesus sat once again in a chair in the corner of the laundry room laughing at me. I didn’t realize that until later. I think Jesus has a lot of fun watching me “grow”.

I continue to ramble, about pecan swirls as my personal crack and other rather odd subjects. Rambling is difficult to explain. Somehow my rambling was interesting to this guy (later I would learn he’s a man) sitting next to me! He was engaging, intelligent, funny, good-looking (did I say that already?), and just great to be around. I still didn’t care. I was in a vile mood.

On Tuesday, February 22^nd, I thought about this guy and how fun it was to just converse and ramble. I still didn’t care much about him as a “guy” but I thought he was fun. I like fun. I like fun with good-looking intelligent people and I tend to be welcoming and polite. I wanted him to know I had fun and that I hoped to see him at other events. Well, it was self-serving only in the fact that he was about the only person close to my age besides SouthernCharm. I like making friends. I let him know via email. The rest is history, as they say. He went from being some guy to being Triple M.

What does this have to do with bats, pecan swirls, and laundry rooms? I am not sure. I can’t explain fate. I can’t explain God’s goodness in my life either but I can be thankful for it. Where I once was stuck on what I didn’t have, whom I had not met, past bad choices, or letting God be God, I am now just trying to give more than I get.

Rambling on…

Choosing to Love While Risking the Loss

(This was written in August 2010)

“To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.” – Author Unknown

“If I never met you, I wouldn't like you. If I didn't like you, I wouldn't love you. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't miss you. But I did, I do, and I will.” – Author Unknown

Today is a sad day.  Today I found out a member of my church family died unexpectedly and tragically. I have been a member of my new church home for only three months, but already I have grown to LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the people there. When I heard the news, I has deeply moved and upset. I did have makeup on when I left for work but you cannot tell it now and it’s just after noon. I have shed contemplative tears, and tears of sadness and pain. I am somewhat surprised. I am typically measured in my reactions, and usually composed at work. Today is a new experience for me and I took some time to wonder “why”.

Letting people in your heart is a choice, and for me, it had been a hard choice until very recently. Due to previous loss, I chose to become conservative in my affections. It’s difficult to let people in when they may leave either through choice, circumstances, death or other uncontrollable (by you) factors.  But then I realized I was missing out on the joys of having the gift of friendship and fellowship if even for a short season. I thank Angela Palmer for this insight.

I accept the seasonality of the relationships I may have with those around me. It reminds me of the flowers sitting at my desk today – they are beautiful and I am working diligently to enjoy them until that time they wither and I have to throw them away. Are they any less beautiful because they are withering away? Not at all! In fact, because I treasure them so, I have pictures of them both literally and in my memory.

I am thankful to know and love, at different levels, in different ways, those around me. It’s a risk for sure but it sure is sweet and beautiful while it lasts. The most beautiful part in it all is future reconciliation when Jesus returns and it won’t be for a season anymore but forever. Surely then we will never part again…”where the charming roses bloom forever, and where separation comes no more...”