Retro Life

There is always a back-story. There is a back-story for specific happenings in our lives and a back-story to who we are overall. Sharing back-stories could be risky. During the delivery, we tend to inject the “hindsight” or “life lessons” received, when we know very well that is NOT how we felt at the time. That’s fine. That’s called growing, learning.

It was a retro kind of weekend at multiple levels. I will stick with the two main events that caused great nostalgia.

The Prom

For three months now, Triple M and I looked forward to what I dubbed “The Prom”. Before he met me, he purchased tickets to the Glenn Miller Orchestra concert (www.glennmillerorchestra.com). He is a vintage guy at heart and this is his favorite music. No doubt it should be.

I had never been to a prom. When I was 17, I was too busy raising the Original Hooligans and too busy working to support my little family. The Prom was out of reach for a girl like me for many reasons. Who would want to take a girl like me? That and the fact that I had already graduated High School, had my own apartment, and a full time job made it an impossibility. I rationalized that the prom was for children. I had made adult decisions and was no longer a child. However, part of me knew I missed out on something special. The thought of being asked, being taken, being pretty, and being there…

Almost 20 years later I got to go to the prom! I had a dress made for the occasion – an original 1946 Vintage Vogue pattern. It is red and black. My friend Unforgettable came over to help me get ready. She did my hair and makeup. It can’t get more prom-like than that, can it? ♥ I had not seen Unforgettable in about two years. We have been friends going on 15 years. We are the kind of friends that can go a long time without seeing each other and when we do, it’s as if we never parted. She has a gift to make things beautiful. That, she did.

So there we were Triple M and I ready for the prom. Just like real proms, we even had chaperones. We went with his parents and his aunt and uncle. If I had had the choice 20 years ago to pick the perfect boy to take me to the prom, he would have been tall (of course), a good dresser, had a captivating smile, intelligent and a little geeky. I’ve always preferred blue eyes so that would have been a plus. A popular boy, say, a football player surely would have shown them! I imagine that’s the dream of most girls sans the geeky part. This retro night was better, I am sure, than it possibly could have been 20 years ago. I did get to go with the boy of my dreams; except he’s a real man and I do not doubt the trueness of it all.

The List

Sometime in September 2009, I wrote a list of non-negotiables in a future partner. It was broken down by must haves and nice to haves. I kept one copy in my turquoise Bible right next to Psalms 37:4. I encourage you to look it up; it’s heart warming. I kept another copy in my wallet’s change compartment. I have no explanation for the latter. From time to time I like to review my list mostly as affirmation of my blessings J.

I went to look at my list Sunday morning. I reached for my Bible and that copy was not there. I then went to my wallet and that copy was not there either! At first, I was almost distraught. Then I remembered…I remembered how I cried in happiness when I read his blog Friday afternoon (http://ramblingfront.blogspot.com/2011/05/i-like-lemonadeshe-likes-jars.html) and I also remembered something Triple M said Saturday night after we got back from “The Prom”. I can’t share it here. It’s too precious to be outside of just him and me. However, when I remembered this, when I remembered the boy that did take me to the prom and the man he is to me, I realized I have no need for this list. It’s fulfilled.

I was overcome with emotion. I was overcome because for the first time EVER I didn’t question “who would want to take a girl like me?” or “why”. I know why and so does he.

Bubbles, Bublé, and Bubbly

I like things in triplicate. Some things in triplicate I like A LOT J.  There is something profound and elusive about wanting, longing for these threefold experiences or items.

A few weeks ago, I booked the home for our much-needed vacation in July. The “us” in this outing will be The Hooligans, Triple M, and my good friend Señorita. There again: triplicate awesomeness!

We are going to the beach. I will not mention which beach but I will say it’s in the contiguous United States and it has an ocean surrounding it. I point out the latter because occasionally I forget oceans are a requirement for beaches. Ask Wistful. I asked her a couple of years ago what was the closest beach to her home. She lives in Kentucky. Those are the moments I tell myself “I really am smart”.

The same day I made the deposit for the vacation rental, I purchased an obscenely large bottle of bubbles. Now, don’t tell The Hooligans; I am saving those for vacation. In my minds eye, I want to skip through the sand with my white dress, (after a good tan, of course. Have you seen me! It’s scary.) and my long flowing hair in the wind while I blow bubbles everywhere. It was a bummer that I didn’t buy the cool bubbles that come in many colors like Joseph’s coat, but the boring ones. I WANT the colorful bubbles but I am not BRAVE like that. Moreover, I don’t want to be uberly annoying at the beach, only slightly annoying.

I like my mind’s eye. It has a lot of fun. Frankly, it seems to have more fun than I have some of the time. Also in my mind’s eye, Michael Bublé happens to be singing live at the restaurant that Triple M will take me to on our “date night”. He will sing “Haven’t Met You Yet”, and “Baby, You’ve Got What it Takes” along with “All I do is Dream of You”. Triple M will be wearing a light yellow linen shirt, of course, and a Panama hat. He looks dashing. For the record, he will be wearing pants too but he’ll be sitting therefore my mind’s eye has no idea what kind of pants they are. **Sigh**

I don’t drink alcohol but I truly feel that if I manage to make it to the beach (which is surrounded by an ocean), to skip through it blowing bubbles without getting pummeled and Michael Bublé happens to be singing while on my date with Triple M, this would deserve some bubbly.

We typically reserve the “bubbly” for special occasions. I say take time to celebrate the little things in life with those that are important to you. This, my friend, do in REAL life and not just in your mind’s eye. Nothing beats knowing in the now and not in the pretend.

Of which I know nothing…

I like to talk. I like to talk in person, I like to talk on the phone, and I like to talk via smoke signals. I can speak in irony and sarcasm, English and Spanish and Monosyllabic Semi-Grunting, Those of you that know me well can immediately take off the “No, REALLY! I did not know that!” grin off your face. Thanks. I may now continue.

Even though I like to talk, and talk a lot, I am typically measured in what I say. I try to be careful in the words I choose, and I seldom speak of things I know nothing about. From time to time, I jump in and philosophize about topics over my head like ending world hunger, or why turquoise is the best color ever. Those are important topics.

Sometimes, though, I totally put my foot in my mouth. At work, I don’t dish out many compliments relating to appearance. I don’t think it’s appropriate and I’ve had the same very awkward situation happen three times. After that, I just do not. The first time it happened it involved my very sweet coworker. She was an exceptional employee with a great track record and personality. She, however, could have qualified as a participant in “What Not to Wear”.

On this particular morning, I noticed how stunning, yes, stunning she looked! Her hair was done, her makeup was appropriately applied, and she was wearing a very sophisticated black dress. I was so impressed, and as a “words of affirmation” person I thought it would be reinforcement if I mentioned it to her. I did – “Wow, what’s the special occasion today? You look great.” The response – “It’s my grandmother’s funeral.” Hear the crickets now, or this time of the year in the Southeast, the cicadas.

The next two times were very similar. Ever since then, if I see someone that typically does not dress up looking awesome (and wearing black), I say nothing. (I slipped one time because the outfit was not black and that person was going to court.) At the risk of causing awkwardness, I now say nothing.

This weekend I realized that I am doing the same thing regarding Salvation -Salvation meaning Jesus.  I’ve been acting as if I know nothing and in fearing the awkward moments of sharing, I do not. There are things I know. I’ve mentioned them before. There are things I don’t know, like when exactly Jesus will come again. It can be awkward to assign it a specific time and date. God has not asked us to do that, well, at least not me specifically. Perhaps I do know nothing and that is why I don’t share? God forbid! I shudder at the thought.

So I wonder if through my living I am reflecting what 2 Corinthians 3:3 says:  “For as much as you are manifestly declared to be the letter of Christ ministered by us, written not with ink, but with the Spirit of the living God; not in tables of stone, but in fleshy tables of the heart.”

I wonder these things because I don’t know the day Jesus is coming. I just want to be ready. I also would like to avoid the awkward moment of being totally dressed up for the Wedding Feast and Jesus saying to me “Assuredly, I say to you, I do not know you” – Matthew 25:12

Mathew 25:13 “Watch therefore, for you know neither the day nor the hour in which the Son of Man is coming.

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There is a game I play with my dear friend Wistful. Out of all the friends I have, I believe she is the most similar to me. We have an incredible way of knowing when we need each other, and knowing when to “step off”. The game we play is the “one-up-you” game. I admit, it’s rather sardonic but it always provides us with perspective. The game is built on the premise that while her life may S-U-C-K, my life S-U-C-K-S more! Now, we are fully aware of the reason for the “game” and not truly trying to “one-up” anyone (I think, I hope **biting fingernails**).

For example, a few weeks ago her car broke down. She texted me. It just so happened that MY car had a “service engine soon” light on and I drive further away to work. Therefore, my car breaking down would be worse. If she called today and said she had a headache, I would tell her my whole face is throbbing because I had a tooth pulled. When she said she was moving to KY for a job, I told her a week later I was moving to AL for a job…

It doesn’t always work out that I have worse things going on or that she has worse things going on. The beauty in this is commiserating as friends and sharing each other’s burdens. You can’t truly do that with just anyone. It takes a special relationship. Life is hard; God is good. We remind each other of that fact. For birthdays, I always receive books and a can of green beans. Green beans represent prosperity. As long as we have green beans and each other, all is well. For her birthday, she always gets clothes. I like clothes and I like to give her things she would not normally purchase for herself. We behave this way because we know each other well and care about each other. We have gone through a lot together and it’s a bond no one can understand.

But what happens when someone that loves you seemingly always, always “one-ups” you with their care, concern, and love? How do you repay that? Can you repay that? What can you do that would be “enough”? How do you know when it is enough? How do you keep it from driving you crazy, you know, the fact you can’t “one-up” THEM! What a problem to have - to be loved that much!

I am now convinced a love like that only comes from God Himself. When I attempted to question “why”, I was given marvelous advice: “Just go with it and accept it.” So I am because “'tis dearness only that gives every thing its value.” Thomas Paine (1737–1809)

I don’t know why he loves me. However, I know his love motivates me to really live my life like I’m loved. I can live my life trying to “one-up” him but I get the feeling that all he wants is for me to let him. That’s game enough for us!

Rearview Mirrors

Yesterday afternoon, The Hooligans and I were watching the movie “Matilda”. I’d been feeling physically ill and worn down all day and was immobile all afternoon. When I get sick, my senses are heightened and I tend to overreact emotionally. It’s such a lovely combination!

We were sitting there watching the movie. I love this movie. This little girl had little chance of being “normal” then she discovers the joy of books. I can relate. I certainly can. Muscles randomly asks, “Does she remind you of you?” I began sobbing. At first he thought I was joking. No, I was bawling. Seriously bawling with reckless abandon. Why?

Muscles was so confused. Why was I crying? It’s a blessing to know The Hooligans wouldn’t understand or relate to such things. Looking back, I am amazed at how far we’ve come as a family and all the obstacles we’ve overcome to be who we are. I am very proud of my Hooligans. They are amazing boys and exceptional people to know. I am blessed to have them in my life. There was no explaining this and he understood that it was better to be confused than to know.

I knew why. I knew Matilda did remind me of me in many ways. The first book I received as a gift was “The Ugly Duckling”. To this day, I can’t figure out if the storekeeper was trying to tell me something! I remember being a little girl and scavenging around for dimes and nickels just so that I could purchase some books at the used book sale at the library twice a year. The joy I felt when I received my first library card is unspeakable. There are many things about my childhood that are unspeakable. Therefore, those are not discussed. For a clue, just listen to the song “Rearview Mirror” by Pearl Jam. Part of the lyrics follow:

“I took a drive today. Time to emancipate. I guess it was the beatings made me wise. But I’m not about to give thanks, or apologize. I couldn't breathe, holding me down. Hand on my face, pushed to the ground. Enmity gauged, united by fear. Forced to endure what I could not forgive...”

In my mid-teens I made a decision to leave many things behind and concentrate on what kind of person I wanted to be for the rest of my life. This included what kind of parent I wanted to be, what kind of friend and what kind of worker. There was no looking back. However, from time to time those feelings creep up and get the best of me. Still, like Paul I look ahead:

Philippians 3: ¹² Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. ¹³ Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, ¹⁴ I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

I am not six anymore. I can choose to press on or look back. In the long term, I choose to press on and look forward to all that’s ahead. I don’t know what those things are, but I know thus far, Jesus has not disappointed!

Koala I am

One of the most ridiculous questions, in my opinion, that someone may be asked during an interview is “If you were an animal, what animal would you be and why?” Even though I am appalled by this question (sorry, Triple M, my love), my answer is a Koala.

Aww. A Koala! They are so cute and cuddly. They have intriguing dark eyes and adorable noses. They are pudgy but not “fat”, well, that’s how I like to think about them and about me! Just like a Koala, my metabolic rate is somewhat slow, but I think that’s because I’m getting old L.Also like me, they like plants (I am a vegetarian), and look amazing behind bamboo. Their hair is fabulous often with chocolate-brown highlights in some areas. In tropical areas, they tend to be smaller than their counterparts are; I am Puerto Rican and short. I don’t understand though why we both eat mostly leaves and are still not a size four. They like “big guys” too. Well, in my case, let’s replace “big” with “tall”.

At one time, their brains filled the entire cranial cavity but like many humans, their brains are now smaller. I don’t know how big my brain is but I hope it takes a bit of the space in my rather large head. However, my very favorite part about the Koala is how their looks can be misleading. Sure, they are so superbly adorable. We forget about their large, sharp claws. When in distress, koalas cry loudly like babies. That all sounds very much like me.

There is no other point to this note than to say – I would be a Koala.

Postscripts

In my mind, one of the most meaningful expressions of care is a simple note or email. As a “words of affirmation” kind of gal, these messages verify that someone indeed loves me or at least, was thinking about me. It memorializes that moment when the thought of “me” occurred.

I like writing them; I like receiving them. I have a hard time with the space allotted in the small note cards – there never seems to be enough room to say all I want to say to the people I care about. Does that mean I am long winded? I don’t know. Perhaps. Perhaps.

Therefore, I have learned to work within those limitations and “get to the point”. Sometimes the point of writing a note is to say I am praying. Other times, I may just be thinking about someone or remembering him or her in a specific way. There have been times I purposely write notes to get a grip that the world does not revolve around me and I need to remember there are others worth acknowledging. I do the latter often.

In working within the limitations, I have come to treasure the immense value of postscripts, aka “P.Ss.”

Last week was rough. Rough is an understatement. There were work related concerning “surprises” and the tornadoes that struck on April 27^th in our area. In the midst of this, my normal schedule of quality time with those I love was thrown into the backseat due to the pressing occurrences. I don’t handle that well. I need my time, I need my lovin’. In between all this, as a response to my insecurities, I received an email from Triple M with the most amazing postscript: “Oh, and nobody can interfere with our happy ending”.

I know, I know. I am one lucky girl. This “P.S.” reminded me of an even greater one. During these trying times of storms, whether literal, spiritual, or even imaginary, there is One who writes a similar postscript as reassurance to us. They are inscribed in several places but my favorites are in two places:

John 14:¹"Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. ²In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? ³And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.

Romans 8:³⁸For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, ³⁹nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Jesus has the most amazing postscripts. What’s your favorite?