Rearview Mirrors

Yesterday afternoon, The Hooligans and I were watching the movie “Matilda”. I’d been feeling physically ill and worn down all day and was immobile all afternoon. When I get sick, my senses are heightened and I tend to overreact emotionally. It’s such a lovely combination!

We were sitting there watching the movie. I love this movie. This little girl had little chance of being “normal” then she discovers the joy of books. I can relate. I certainly can. Muscles randomly asks, “Does she remind you of you?” I began sobbing. At first he thought I was joking. No, I was bawling. Seriously bawling with reckless abandon. Why?

Muscles was so confused. Why was I crying? It’s a blessing to know The Hooligans wouldn’t understand or relate to such things. Looking back, I am amazed at how far we’ve come as a family and all the obstacles we’ve overcome to be who we are. I am very proud of my Hooligans. They are amazing boys and exceptional people to know. I am blessed to have them in my life. There was no explaining this and he understood that it was better to be confused than to know.

I knew why. I knew Matilda did remind me of me in many ways. The first book I received as a gift was “The Ugly Duckling”. To this day, I can’t figure out if the storekeeper was trying to tell me something! I remember being a little girl and scavenging around for dimes and nickels just so that I could purchase some books at the used book sale at the library twice a year. The joy I felt when I received my first library card is unspeakable. There are many things about my childhood that are unspeakable. Therefore, those are not discussed. For a clue, just listen to the song “Rearview Mirror” by Pearl Jam. Part of the lyrics follow:

“I took a drive today. Time to emancipate. I guess it was the beatings made me wise. But I’m not about to give thanks, or apologize. I couldn't breathe, holding me down. Hand on my face, pushed to the ground. Enmity gauged, united by fear. Forced to endure what I could not forgive...”

In my mid-teens I made a decision to leave many things behind and concentrate on what kind of person I wanted to be for the rest of my life. This included what kind of parent I wanted to be, what kind of friend and what kind of worker. There was no looking back. However, from time to time those feelings creep up and get the best of me. Still, like Paul I look ahead:

Philippians 3: ¹² Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. ¹³ Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, ¹⁴ I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

I am not six anymore. I can choose to press on or look back. In the long term, I choose to press on and look forward to all that’s ahead. I don’t know what those things are, but I know thus far, Jesus has not disappointed!